Eulogy

There was a boy I used to love.

I met him when I was fresh out of highschool - eager to be in a new world, eager to be a different person. I met him when I was trying to figure out who I was, what I wanted, who I wanted to become.

We lasted for almost three years, and while I was with him, I experienced almost all of the emotions one undergoes while one is in a relationship. It was hard, harder than I thought it would be, harder than I wanted it to be. What I thought was an intimate, physical relationship turned out to be one of the long-distance type. I held on, I held on much longer than I should have, much shorter than I wanted to... I held on with high hopes, with vivid dreams and unsatiable longing.

I was content, I knew I could make do with just emotional attachment. But he couldn't. And like most relationships, it had to end.

I found it very very very excruciatingly hard to let go of him, after all, he knew me inside out. He knew when to shut up, and he knew exactly what to say at the exact moment. It was hard to let go of him, to get over him because he was there when I was trying to build myself. He was there when I was trying to be me. He knew me. He knew me so well, and I believe that at that time, he knew me better than I knew myself. I needed him. I needed him to keep me sane, I needed him to remind me how it was to be whole. I needed him. I needed him so much I didn;t know how it was to be without him.

I tried so hard to hold on to relationship that I knew was about to end. We were different, so similar but so different. We lived in different worlds, matured in different ways, different on how we saw our relationship, and met different people along the way. There were hollow parts in his life I could not fill, that I will never be able to fill. I knew that the last time he said goodbye that it was for good, that he was going somewhere where there was no space for me.

All I wanted for him was to become a better man. To beome a better man for himself, for me. All I wanted for him was what he wanted for himself, and what he wanted did not include me. I was forced to let him go, I had to let him go. I should have let him go.

Yet I tried to save us, I tried to save us high water or hell. I wanted to save us. But it was something that couldn't be saved. He didn't want it to be saved. By that time, I already forgot how it was not to be with him.

When he left, he left a big whole in who I was. It was such a big whole that I got sucked in in the emptiness. It was an emptiness that ate me alive, that lingered til there was nothing else to feel but nothingness. I got sucked in in that emptiness too much that I became numb, stoic, jaded and indifferent.

Then I found myself, then I found my way back home.

And then I talked to him lately and all it did was surface forgotten emotions. After all, I still have a soft spot for him. I loved him, and I always will. I will always love the Lance I loved 5 years ago. The Greta that existed 5 years ago will always love that boy, that man. There will always, always be a spot for him in my heart. Because no matter what anybody says, I loved him, I loved him with everything that I had. I loved him fully. I loved him faithfully. I loved him with a love so whole that it left me empty when he left. I loved him too much that I lost myself in the process. And I am sorry that I lost myself.

Now, he keeps reminding me that now is different, that we can never go back to who we were. He keeps reminding me that he can never love me the way he loved me before. He keeps telling me to move on because he already has.

Truth is, I've moved on. I have learned how to fill the emptiness that he left inside me. I have a new life now. And I am tired of playing games, I just want to be friends with a man that was a big part of my life.

The Legend of Shitty Ideas

A friend read to me a text message she received:

"Never hold in a fart. It goes up your spine and into your brain. And this is where you get shit ideas from."

Eureka! Now I know why some people are full of crap.