A friend told me:
"Greta, it hurts because you're used to getting what you want."
She told me:
"When you want something, you work for it... you work hard for it, and you get it in the end. And this time, it hurts because you 'invested', still, you did not get what you want."
And this was the first time anyone has ever told me that. The first time anyone ever told me that I'm used to getting what I want. Now that I think about it, maybe I am. Now that I think about it more, I am not. I just take what I can. I just take what I am given - I mope and cry for a few hours and then I make do with what I have. Well, most of the time.
And tonight, is not one of those times.
Self-entitlement. Assumptions. Expectations. The triad.
Yes, the fail-proof formula to nights of crying- no, not crying, tearing. Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, tears falling with no effort at all. Add Disappointment and voila! your chest starts to feel heavy and now you're paralyzed.
See, I have wanted many things - I still want a lot of things. And I have always found it painful to hear people say "No, you can't have it." So I worked hard, I worked hard until I have achieved something I think might change their minds. Most of the time, it worked. The downside was every time I accomplished something that would change their minds, I set the bar higher. So I work harder. This is precisely why I hate situations where the conditions for accomplishment do not depend on me alone. This is why I am impatient.
This is why I stay, because I know I can still do it.
When it takes the other person too long, I get bored.
When I get bored, I act.
When acts prove to be futile, I get disappointed.
When I get disappointed, I eventually get tired.
When I get tired, everything seems harder.
When it gets too hard, I start to hurt.
When I am hurt, I end up being sad.
And when sadness becomes unbearable, I run away.
When I run away, most of the time, I tend to take detours that lead me back to where I started.
Tonight, I want to believe, that tonight will not be most of the time.
"It's not the despair, I can stand the despair.
It's the hope."
- John Cleese, A Clockwork Orange
* Lunok: Filipino for swallow.
