BANG or BREAK

One thing I would really want to do right now: BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL.


Not in a very emo-ish type of way.


It just feels right.


I feel like my bones are breaking inside and I know exactly why I feel that way. But since I'm very stubborn, I just sit still and listen to my bones break -- listening to every crack. I feel like there some big, ominous, unwavering forcefield around my brain blocking every single sane, rational, logical thought. And I desperately feel the need to take that forcefield down that banging my head against concrete wall sounds, well, a pretty good idea.


It's not that I feel stupid. It's just that I feel both the need to stop feeling and the lack of urge to to actually act on my urges all at the same time.


So even if I believe that banging my head against the wall is something that I should be doing right now, I'm not hearing any thuds. I'm just hearing the same cracking noise from my bones.


No. I'm not depressed, nor am I sad or hurting or lonely. It's just amusingly painless when it should really be excruciating. And what's even more interesting is that I'm starting to like the sound of my bones cracking. But then again, I like having my bones whole and unfractured, hence the urge to make thudding sounds with my head against concrete.


Hah! So I really have to choose soon, bang my head against the wall or hear my bones break until there's nothing left to break. Hmmm...