No Regrets For Our Youth*

It's halfway through January and still, I can't think of anything to write about. Not for the lack topic but for the lack of organization. My thoughts wander... the more I try to concretize the chaos of vague emotions I think I feel right now, the more my mind seems to stray to the distant past - - when life was easy and breathing was natural.

As much as I like the changes and the decisions I've made over the last 5 years and as much as I have learned lessons that would stick to me to grave, I would do anything to go back to who I was -- not to change anything, but to be able to feel the way I felt before. I would like to think that I am older and wiser now -- and maybe I am. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to go back and do the carefree things I did before, to be with the people I was with before, to look at people without doubt and with genuine interest.

I was young and did stupid things, but I was never stupid. Yes, I was cynical but I did not shut people out. I was seldom sober, but I was alive. I slacked off but I was never irresponsible. I have made mistakes but I would do them over and over again. I've made indiscretions, but I was happy - truly, genuinely happy. I have crossed some people, but I never stepped on their toes. I won some, lost some but I knew I was willing to gamble. I seldom went to class, but I learned a lot. I was hasty but I never let my haste lead to waste. I was open and malleable but I had ideals. I was dubious but I listened nonetheless. I was different and I was not ashamed. I was shameless but I never lacked self-respect. I was penniless but I was drunk everyday. I lacked sleep but my mind was wide awake. Yes, those were the best years of my life.

I have promised myself then that there things I would never do -- but I did them nonetheless. A friend told me a few weeks ago that if our "college selves" saw us now, they would spit on us in contempt. Maybe they would, but I give my college self the benefit of the doubt. And even if my college self did spit on me now, I would understand. In fact, I would envy her, for the freedom that she had, for the boldness she possessed and for the heart that she had.

*Inspired by Akira Kurosawa's No Regrets for Our Youth (which Mimi got inked on her torso)